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Tilebury Events - What's going on and how'd it go?

Fiona Davies

1 January

Breaking News!!!!

Well obviously the big news of the new year was Hunky Jim Keegen's visit at the Village bang-and-pop-fest. Sexy.

Fireworks at night

You'll have seen him around the firework display looking more like a fixxling volcano than anything east of Java! More like that please. And more below.

But my sweeties - the thing you won't know yet is the !!!BREAKING NEWS!!! and that is that Luscious Leo will be with us - in the flesh, in the pink and in the Village. Wow! we're practically on the map this time.

For those of you who still watch telly on the B&W and twiddle the nob on the front of your analoguely-woggly wireless we're taking about top-top-top-star Leofric Gent. The Gent. Lovely Leo. I'm all weak and overcome just at the thought of if. I'm guessing he likes his ladies of the vulnerable swoony type.

I can do that - get to the back of the queue.

"So why's Leo here?" I hear you pout. New TV's the answer. And they need the period bit and the old buildings and Tilebury is nothing if not old and period.

Maybe it'll be a costume-y flutter-fest with all sorts of tension and will-he won't-he stuff. That'll be great - I'll be online ordering my boddice as soon as I've done with this and barging into the afterparty for sure. (What exactly is a boddice? I bet it's clunky-naff like girl-clothes always seemed to be in olden days).

Anyway more Leo news when I have it. But only after I've already made my own use of it.

Someone also mentioned that pie-faced witch Caramel Kiss-and-run as well but we don't care about her.

Miss Bump

So back down to Earth with a bump. Or at least that is what one lady seems to be sporting this new year. I shan't name names because my mum reads this, but it won't take you long looking around town to see which young ladies are a little fuller around the waist after the new year than before.

You can blame the christmas pud for another few weeks missy - but if it doesn't melt after that then I think you'll have to be cutting out the booze for a bit.

And back to sweetie Jimmy

Arty photo of guitar

I have always been recognised as a thinking woman and the thinking woman's Leofric Gent has got to be Jimmy Keegan.

Not least because we think we might just stand a chance whereas you'd have to have given up thinking on your fourth birthday (or be a meglo-maniac-asaurus) to believe you have a chance with a fizz-ball like Leo.

Not saying old Jimmy's second best of course. He's extra-extra special and just Tilebury's most excellent inhabitant/former inhabitant. (Sorry Billy Jenns - no compo). And he comes and gave the most mushy speech welcoming the new year and set off the bang-whizz lights at midnight plus one second. (actually plus about three and a half minutes because of some techno-snarl fail, but who's counting at that time of night).

So thank you Jimmy - you're still our number one. And here's having your first number one this year as well!

Other stuff

Well the village diary's looking a bit bare at the moment. Post Chrimbo lull while everyone tries to borrow more cash off their mums (please mum? They're not paying me for this you know!)

There's some exciting stuff for valentines but I'm not telling yet. Just to say it involves a blindfold and at few eligible bachelors (if we can find any).

Otherwise someone wrote in about a sponsored something-a-bob. Which I hope goes very well for him. No doubt we'll hear more about it soon and we'll have to borrow even more off mum (Pleaeeeese!!!) to sponsor him.

And something to do with a Wassail. Must get my dictionary.

Love you all.

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