A full list

Well - military discipline. So many things to get through we're going to have to be rigorous and organised. Pay attention troops, no slacking.

Fame at last

They always tell you to start with a joke and there is no finer joke than Christina Collett. Queen and Countr-E's first episode was 8 September - last episode next week. You're probably watching it, just to see the pictures of T'mas Broad and Corn Street.

Well, Mrs Collett achieved one thing with her campaign: she got her husband on the local news denying that Tilebury was full of transvestites while she whispered prompts to him from off-screen.

You're a resident of Tilebury, Mr Collett?Yes.

So have you ever dressed in women's clothes? uh - once for a play when I was at school I was Potipha's wife. Boys' school, so we had to play the female parts too.

And have you ever taken mind-altering drugs? I had a weird trip when I took Larium in the army. I was on secondment to the ambassador in Guinea. It involved a balloon which kept changing colour.

Comedy gold! The only sad thing is that the programme's been panned by the critics and got no viewing figures so old Chrissy won't be riled by a second series.

Laughing all the way to the bank.

Congratulations, I think, to Heather Reedman on her commission from Swindon town council - who came to see her art show last month and now want to put on a demonstration of her work around the civic hall to celebrate Swindon Culture Week. There are so many contradictions in that I can't work out where to start. I'm sure the Wiltshire farmers will love looking at bits of metal and wood twisted into disturbing forms to represent Female freedom and identity. In other news, someone's set fire to Heather's statue in the little park by Willam Jenns School. You know the one with wings and boobs which had the children's poem carved on it. Glad to see there are still some civic minded people around.

No laughing matter.

Something wierd's been going on in my flat. Not sure what it is - no more snakes in the post - but some stuff's been moved around and a window-latch got broken. I know Tilebury's big on witches, but maybe we have a ghost problem too? Ghosts, snakes, witches, stray dogs, lunatics - its getting a bit busy in town.

Smile on demand.

Alia has been demonstrating her new boyfriend. He walks, smiles and sometimes he talks. But not when she is talking - which means that he doesn't talk much. He is currently unemployed, lives with his mum and can sometimes borrow her car to come and see Alia. Otherwise he cycles from Lorscombe.

She brought him to the fete where he won a goldfish at the coconut shies after spending a mere £18 in the attempt. He tripped over a dog and told Genevieve Balantain that Cold Shoulder would do better if they were a bit more like the White Stripes. But he is very smiley and is apparently quite good at archery. She has done well.

Processing and giggling.

Well wasn't Processing the Lamb fun? For the record I would like to point out that I made it. I duly processed in my cassock with my candle all the way to the church. Admittedly I was laughing too much by then to take any notice of the sermon. But I made it and consequently the Lamb was duly processed this year!

The lamb itself, of course has now been recovered. The enterprising young chappies who liberated it from its trolley and took photos of it processing around Dublin on a stag-weekend (naughty Lamb - where did you get those knickers!) have returned it to its storage pen. All I'd say, boys, is that you were supposed to be wearing cassocks not superman-capes and you were supposed to have something on underneath. I assume you were wearing masks too, but I was too busy looking elsewhere to know.

I shall remember watching Alderman Cornelius (as Ramsman) falling into the candy floss stall fondly for the rest of my days. Its a pity for the poor chap that he lost the tug of war over the Lamb and that everyone cheered when he got covered in pink sugar-wool. Particularly some of his former lady-friends I noticed. If there is going to be an identity parade - I'm happy to volunteer. However, it'll have to be a nude line up as I'll only recognise the perpetrators if they drop their trousers.

A slightly nervous laugh

So, good people of Tilebury. It's all down to you. Tomorrow you vote on the Trustees and the future direction of the Harbinger. I'm not standing 'cos everyone said it would be best if some supporters of Mrs L were elected who weren't contributors. I think they meant that I might be a bit too devisive.

That's okay - vote for Juliet and Corrine and re-elect Fran as Editor and I shall be delighted. Just remember as you troop through the Saloon Bar at the New Inn to drop your ballot in the box - Doreen would not have reported all the things above. She would have censored them and told you about knitting patterns instead. Don't be boring.

The Last Laugh

And leave 'em laughing when you go. Unsurprisingly when you read all the stuff above, Tilebury was not awarded the Best Village Award. After signing the praises of all the other entrants, the judges merely said, We also had an entry from Tilebury, which did not score. Ah! Poor old unrewarded Doreen! She wouldn't have published that news either...

What a lot of stuff. [Please vote!!!!]

Love you all!