Harbinger Banner

Answers to Agony - Solving your personal problems

Aunt Ali

1 April

Dear Aunt Ali,

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do. I am a shallow little twit who wanted to show off by fixing a date with a filmstar in an embarrassing blind-date competition which I rigged. I went to London all dressed up and telling everyone he was taking me to The Ivy but he didn't turn up and hadn't booked a table and I had to wait in Victoria Station for three hours for my train home.

It was very cold because I was wearing a very skimpy dress and I hurt my feet walking around in such high heels. Now everyone is laughing at me behind my back and saying I deserved everything I got.

Please advise.

Bimbo Wide-nose

Don't worry, you will get through it. (probably)

Well, just think of it as a sort of divine retribution and try to learn to be a better person. If you had not fixed the contest so you would 'win' this 'date' then people might have more sympathy for you.

And just remember - at least it was you rather than one of your poor victims. How would you feel if someone else had won this 'prize' and they had spent a cold evening shivering in the draughts of a London station swearing at you under their breath? I'm sure you agree that it was best that it was you who suffered.

Maybe while you were cooling your toes in the second class waiting room, you will also have spared a thought for Jimmy Keegen, Rockstar and dream-boat. I heard he wasn't too impressed by all the time you spent fawning over someone who turned out not to be much of a 'Gent' after all. I think there's a lady, Miss Star Struck whose taken the chance to spend quite a bit more time with him.

Don't worry - if you had any character or integrity you could rebuild your reputation from here.

Dear Aunt Ali,

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do. I am a sociable person but I am not very rich. I am quite young and I haven't got a job. There is nothing going in Tilebury but my family lives here and I can't afford to live anywhere else.

Often a few of us hang out in the evenings in the little park by the William Jenns school. We don't do any harm. We just talk and play music. I play guitar and one of the boys sings. Recently some local busy-bodies have tried to stop us going there and have threatened to call the police. It is not fair and we have nowhere else to go.

Please advise.

Persecuted Songstress

Don't worry, you will get through it.

Typical example of middle aged people sticking their ses in. Remember you are a citizen too and the Village does not belong to them.

I have done some checking and the land you are on was actually gifted to the residents of the Village as part of the construction of the school. It is where the Gallows for the old Court Rooms used to be. That means if you are a resident of Tilebury you have a right to be there.

Playing music is not a crime. They can't arrest you and they can't get the police to move you on - you are on your own land! Stand up for your rights. Maybe write a protest song? And if the interfering old bags try to stop you, in my view it would be self defence to pour the remains of your beer cans into their handbags.

Articles from other months are linked from the side bar.

Please address all communications for the attention of The Editor, The Mews Office, Market street.

We have a box at the post office for ideas and notes.