Dear Aunt Ali,

I don't know what to do.

I'm running out of milk. I've become a bit unhinged recently after a certain Bimbo Wide-Nose was consistently rude to me in print. Then I started spreading untrue rumours about people (including you), had a bit of a breakdown and retreated to my house which has so much security gear on it no-one can get anywhere near including the milkman. Now I am running out of food but can't face popping down to the newsagent.

Please advise.

Mr/Ms Not-a-Queen

Don't worry, you will get through it.

I understand that the police are not currently interested. I also understand you may have blackmail material on half the village, although what you said about me and my boyfriend wasn't true. If you put on a big coat and hat and a fake moustache, most people would proabably mistake you for a man and you could go shopping at will.

Otherwise, the village does have its own psychologist who might be able to help. It probably doesn't help that you threw a glass of beer at her, but most profeessionals will overlook such things if you pay them.

Dear Aunt Ali,

I don't know what to do.

I have just stood for election and been roundly trounced. This has shocked my world view and punctured my self esteem. Even the lawyer I was paying abandonned my cause when she got a better offer from a local hunk. I was beaten before but was too proud to ask your advice at the time. Now I wish I had because there is no going back and everyone knows I am a loser who no-one likes.

I blame the voters. But I don't know how to get back at them.

Please advise.

Miss D Target

Don't worry, you will get through it.

Have you considered moving to another village where not only would you not have to be reminded of your unpopularity every time you walk down the street but we wouldn't have to put up with you either?

If you are going to stay here, perhaps you should have some respect for the real people in the village. The ones who assemble at the Ship Inn. Without them you have no mandate. Oh, but don't just come try to make friends like the People's Priest is doing. That is likely to backfire in your case due, principally, to your personality.