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Answers to Agony - Solving your personal problems

Aunt Ali

1 September

Dear Aunt Ali,

I don't know what to do.

One of my many enemies has been watching too much James Bond and tried to post a dangerous snake through my letterbox.

Although I was in no real danger (not just because the snake got caught in the flap) I was so spooked that I ended up running down the fire-escape of my tiny flat wearing a jaundice-coloured onesie and screaming at the top of my voice. I must have dropped a glass of water on the way because I definitely didn't wee-myself (whatever it might have looked like).

Please advise.

Bimbo 'screaming-psycho' Wide-nose

Don't worry, you will get through it.

Anyone would have been scared by seeing a snake hanging down the inside of the door. There is no shame in that. The shame is in the way you responded and the clothing you happened to be wearing.

Onesies are not very sexy - especially urine-coloured ones, although with your recent success rate I suspect that wasn't a concern for you. I suppose if you'd had a boyfriend he could have saved you from making such a fool of yourself.

If you want to call me next time it happens I'll ask my new boyfriend to pop round and save you.

Dear Aunt Ali,

I don't know what to do.

I am an older person who has quite a conservative approach to life but I am a bit lonely. So I have started turning up to the Ship Inn to meet some attractive ladies to chat up.

Unfortunately no-one wants to talk to me and everyone is a bit uncomfortable when I start talking about God.

Please advise.

The People's Priest

Don't worry, you will get through it.

Most pubs have an ageing nutter. You could apply for the job but you will have to build up your alcohol tolerance first. Just a tip - most people drink more than one elderflower cordial in an evening.

Your ideas about rewriting the songs with more orthodox lyrics is good but not original. As my new boyfriend pointed out, it is called Godrock and suffers from the fact that the Devil has all the best songs.

But at least God has all the best arguments when you have a hangover - so maybe you should try converting people at dawn.

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