Dear Aunt Ali,

I don't know what to do.

I'm a moody cow who plays drums for the second best rock-band in Tilebury and because the better band has got a recording contract and is touring, we get to play in the Ship Inn. Well I've decided I'm pretty brilliant at music because all you have to do is play it really loud while wearing leather and dark eye-shadow and you're a genius. However, when a sensitive talented boy pointed out that our songs could do with a tune, I couldn't take it and started swearing at him. Now everyone thinks I'm a moron.

Please advise.

Jenny Bad-on-tune

Don't worry, you will get through it.

The boy is right. You are basically just making noise until you start working on having a tune and some decent lyrics. I'm afraid most of us grew out of writing poems about death when we stopped being teenagers.

Don't get me wrong - I think there's some musical talent in the band including from the Persecuted Songstress but you'll just have to accept its not you who has that talent. And there is no excuse for just swearing at people who disagree with you. Particularly when you're wrong.

Dear Aunt Ali,

I don't know what to do.

I am a pasty-faced vegan who acts as if everyone else has too much iron in their blood and should stop it. I have been out giving flowers to people who have parked their cars outside the Paddock Shopping Centre or who have been mixing concrete to repair the broken cobbles in the market square.

When I tried to give the owner of the refreshments stall at the fete a posy of Viper's Bugloss because he was powering his freezer using a petrol generator, he stuffed it down his shirt and then started throwing melted cappucino and pistaccio ice-cream at me. I tasted the ice-cream which was very nice but I am now worried there may have been animal fats in it.

Please advise.

Helda Thorn

Don't worry, you will get through it.

Did you feel particularly healthy the next morning? If not, then you can stop worrying - there probably wasn't any animal product in the ice-cream. If you weren't so addled and exhausted from a diet limited to pulses, you ought to be able to look up the recipe for ice-cream. The cream bit suggests animal product to me. However, if you're lucky it will have been man-made in a chemicals factory instead.

In terms of the flowers, people don't want them. Like your ideas about dinner menus and transport. Perhaps you should stay at home and experiment with sausages instead.