Protecting your privacy

Everyone's got a right to their privacy, right? And sometimes you just don't need prying little gossips poking about in your stuff. Particularly if you live in a village and everybody thinks your business is okay for them to look into. Net curtains just don't do it.

So I've been putting a few things together for my cottage. And just so you know it's worth it, I've also been checking up on the security arrangements around the village. It's not taken much and I've found out quite a lot. I'm going to publish a little bit here so you take fair warning to get yourself some proper defences.

But know this - this isn't all I got and maybe you'd like to remember that next time you think about ruining my privacy I might just have some secrets on you.

So here goes:

1. Fiona Davies. Likes writing insulting and rumour stuff about people. Flat at 3 Stableyard has a loose latch on the casement window in the kitchen. Simple access on a five step ladder and a little levering with a chisel or screwdriver's enough to get a wire in and open it up. Bet she'd like you to think she was all sexy underwear eh? Top left drawer - all loads of practical big pants. Top right - M&S padded Bras - make an A cup in to a C cup (still smaller than me, love). Rest of its all sloppy wear - three onesies, loads of pairs of big socks and more tracky bottoms than I could count. Some glamour queen.
2. Alia Morrow. Poisonous, conceited little number. All: my boyfriend says... and One of the best archers in the county... Interesting what's in her recycling box though. A couple of letters from the advertising agency she's always going on about saying the pictures weren't what they wanted after all and then a shirty one returning some pictures and telling her they're not going to reconsider. She's got a bit pouty and saucy in some of the photos. Some in archery kit and some mostly out of it. Artistic if you know what I mean. Almost as interesting as the porn mags in her new boyfriend's recycling.
3. Dr Brenda Dawes-Burritt. Such a clever woman eh? Just shows what education can do for you. Well everyone knows she goes to the Lorscombe Supermarket so no-one sees how many empties go in the recycling skip each week. (Two bottles of gin, four of something which looked like flavoured cider and eight red wine last week - just takes a good zoom function on the camera). But its not so well known that she uses her own name as the password on her Kindle and currently she's reading an erotic novel about a woman on a spaceship. Not the heavyweight literature you were expecting, eh?

Amazing what you can find out with no effort at all.

Easy A? Just be careful 'cos there might be stuff on you too. And by the way Ed. - you'd better publish if you know what's good for you.