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How to - the Handywoman's Diary. You can do it!

Kimberley King (No job too easy - quick, effective maintenance and repairs)

1 December

Not Listening!

Your all just not listening. I'm like serious and I really mean it. Don't come near the house - I'm watching you in ways you don't know. And I've got Fran so don't try anything.

She'll get it if anything happens to me - I'm warning you now. Remember those snakes? Wondered where they all went eh? Course you don't cos no-one in the village thinks about anything other than they.

Well the snakes are all my basement cos I rounded them up. Took me ages, but I got 'em all and there getting bigger now - I've been feeding 'em on moles and mice and things but they's too big for that now and there getting hungry for something bigger. Well the only thing to eat down there is Fran wrapped in ropes and chained to an old set of freeweights which weigh more than she does.

The only thing's keeping the constrictors off her throat (which I don't blame them for wanting to squeeze, should do it meself) is a little fence I got on clockwork. If I don't type in the code every hour it'll open and that's it for your editor.

She's got to understand - she's staying here til she does and makes a change so she's not ruining everyone's lives with letting her evil stories about people getting published. So don't try to rescue her - won't work and she's learning something. You don't rescue people from school now do you.

So that's it. I've got lots of food and drink for a long siege and I've been eating some cookies made out of the leaves of those pot-plants which works really well to keep my mood up and I'm not sorry about the Harbinger offices - paper has to stop and if that's the only way, well someone should have installed sprinklers. Not my fault you didn't think of that.

And if the reverend or Heather come near here again there getting same treatment they did before.

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